


Not Alone

by SnogboxesAndChips



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Role Reversal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 12:25:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnogboxesAndChips/pseuds/SnogboxesAndChips
Summary: Raphael adjusts to life as a vampire, assisted by his clan leader, Simon.





	Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is for day 3 of Saphael Week! 
> 
> This is not beta'd or revised or edited at all and was written while I was sick and had just fried my brain doing homework, but I still like it and hope you do as well.

When Raphael turned, he was afraid. 

He was afraid that he would never be able to feel the sun ever again. That he would never be able to feel the rays soak through his skin and remind him that he is alive. Remind him that the world is bright and glorious and that he was blessed to be alive. Remind him of his own brightness when he struggles to see how he could amount to anything what with his life only consisting of school and work. 

He was in darkness now. No sunlight to soak through his skin, now cold and pale as if it had never felt the sun's rays in the first place. The darkness held no promises. It was empty and unforgiving, completely lacking in reassurement. Some nights he sat out on the balcony, watching the stars that were regretfully too far away for him to feel their warmth. It made his heart ache.

He had been avoiding the other clan members. As grateful as he was that they found him as soon as he turned and took him in, he couldn't share his pain with them. Not only was it unfair to them, his pain was his and his alone. If he didn't manage it by himself, then it simply wouldn't be managed. 

There was one clan member though, the leader, who went out of his way to make Raphael feel as good as he could given the circumstances. After the first couple weeks of bathing in the darkness alone, the leader, Simon, came to join him. He tried to get Raphael to talk at first, tell him what was going on inside of his head. It was annoying. Thankfully, Simon was experienced enough to pick up on his social mannerisms and deduce that Raphael was not the type to discuss his feelings. Therefore, over the next couple weeks, Simon was more reserved. He served as silent company to Raphael, which he didn't realize he needed until Simon had done it. 

He was surprised to find he wasn't afraid of the darkness when he wasn't alone. 

He was even more afraid of the monster he had become. 

He was no longer a human made in God's image. He was a distorted, perverted version with fangs meant for tearing flesh to get to the blood his body now craved. He was attracted to the idea of taking away the blood of another person, a key function to their survival. It was sickening. 

Even if he managed to never hurt a human, he was still a monster for wanting to. For wanting more, always more. To take so much blood that they can no longer successfully carry oxygen to their brain. So much blood that there is none left for their heart to pump. He shuddered almost every time he thought about it. 

Simon had tried to help with that as well. He performed lectures on the balcony and in Raphael's room, talking about how most people these days are of the opinion that who you are has nothing to do with you being a monster, it is the choices you make. He gushed about novels that he had read that reflect that kind of thinking, and influential people that he has talked to that have expressed those ideas in his presence, and one night (the last night of these) Raphael felt a bit better. Not about him being a monster, he would argue that he desires to make the wrong choice, meaning that he is indeed a monster. No, he felt better because instead of focus on his pain, he could internally laugh at this beautiful man who won't stop rambling on points that he already made. 

When Simon stuttered and paused trying to find the right words to express what he was trying to say, he looked at the man he was talking to and seemed to have forgotten his train of thought. 

Raphael was aware that Simon knew that Raphael was gazing at him fondly, smiling with his eyes. Neither of them said anything though, they just stared. Raphael was the first to break, standing up and mumbling that he was tired from training that night and he needed to sleep. Simon obviously didn't believe him but didn't object, telling him to sleep well before stumbling to his own quarters. 

It was that dawn when he was laying in bed that Raphael realized it. He is not a monster, he couldn't be. If vampires were monsters, how could Simon be one?

He was most afraid of never seeing his mother again. The thought was terrifying. Some nights he was distracted with training (or with Simon after the first few weeks were over and they had bonded) but he always felt the pain of missing her whenever his mind was idle.

He was reassured by Simon that he would eventually be strong enough to see his mother without hurting her, that in the future he would be able to hold his mother again and feel her love and support surrounding him, heart and soul. But that didn't make the pain lessen much. There was no way to know when he wold be strong enough, and right now his heart ached. 

Simon wasn't able to fix that. But that was fine. The day Raphael stops missing his mother is the day he dies for good. 

However, just because Raphael couldn't see his mother didn't mean that he had no contact with anyone he cared about. After a few months with the clan, Raphael admitted to himself that he cared for Simon. Simon was always there for him. He cared about what he wanted and needed and was a gorgeous, wonderful person. Not to mention, he was a favorable leader among the clan, letting most members take on their own leadership roles. If Raphael was the leader he wouldn't be quite so liberal, but he admired what Simon did as a professional. 

He actually admired Simon in general, not just in a specifically professional viewpoint. He would never admit his feelings, though. 

Unless Simon admitted his first.


End file.
